Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Quiet Wednesday afternoon musings

I'm planning on seeing a couple friends play in their new band tonight. I was hoping to get in on the guest list, but that's a no-go, so I figured, no big deal, pay the cover charge, enjoy the show.

As I'm not the home treasurer, I asked the home treasurer about getting $7 to go to the show. I was shut down. When I checked the bank, let's just say that even $7 was too much.

Both Marci and I got paid last Friday, and, being the middle of the month, the mortgage is due. After the mortgage and some groceries, well, we're tapped out. Usually our paydays don't fall on the same day, so this shouldn't happen too often, but, still, it sucks.

Then I hear that good friends of ours just made an offer on a house. A very expensive house. And large.

I'm super excited and happy for them, as they've worked hard and earned their success, but I'm also so envious.

It's not so much about the money. Sure, it'd be nice, solve some problems, alleviate some stress and frustrations. I think for me, it's more about just being able to exist comfortably and not have to wonder if it's OK to go to a $7 show.

It seems like I have lots of friends that are very successful. Lawyers, doctors, accountants, my own brothers, salespeople, you name it, they do it. And then there's me. Making an hourly wage that gets us by, but Marci really has to do some juggling. Not only that, she's working 30+ hours at her school and trying to get a home-based business started AND being a once-a-week nanny for some friends.

All this done by a woman who has MS and whose best way to treat MS is to take it easy.


I keep telling myself that we're lucky. And we are. Nice house, awesome family. Great neighborhood and neighbors. Full time employment with a company I love working for.

But I can't help but feel like a failure sometimes because one of my primary reasons for being (a provider) is not completely being fulfilled.

I'm not providing enough.

So, how do I provide more? I can't work more hours; they've put a big emphasis on watching our hours at work. I don't buy stuff. And before anyone hollers at me about the watches, I will say that those have come by way of selling other stuff or getting gift cards.

I have reached out to someone who I used to work for. I'm hoping that either she can mentor me or give me some tips and pointers on how to move up in the world. What I am doing currently is ok, but it is not going to get me anywhere, really. I need to go look for it and get it.

In the meantime, Haley let me borrow $7. She has already told me twice to not forget to pay her back.