As it was, I told Nelson and B$ that these last two gigs would be it for me and SC. But I threw an obligatory, "We'll see what happens" in there, so as not to completely slam the door in their faces. So, to help them along, I've taken it upon myself to peruse the Stranger want ads for Bassists Available.
Here's a good one... if you're wanting to know how NOT to write a Bassist Available ad:
I have bass...Not free bass that would be quite illegal to post insuch a place. HA. I Live between Tacoma and the upper eastside. Prefer the southerlylocation. But if anybody has anything good going on sign me up. I can do whatever.Just show me confidence. You got mine.Ok. What does this ad show other than nothing? That he has a terrible sense of humor and is located within a 50 mile stretch. "Between Tacoma and upper eastside"? Of course, he probably means upper eastside of TACOMA, in which case I guess I'm the dumbass.
Boy. Bassist Available ads are lean. Here's one. Somehow, I don't think it'll work out.
Bassist for the band HorseHedd seeks new venture to take music careerfurther. Played a few hundred shows and know the circuit well. Influences uncludeKyuss, Deftones, Tool, Chevelle, etc. Have pro gear and transpo. Can practice anynight and available for tour. Lets jam.Now, I think most bassists are intelligent, but, to me, anyone in a band named HorseHedd, let alone played a few hundred shows with a band called HorseHedd, probably ain't all there. Then again, I could be wrong.
Brett won't be emailing this guy either.
Bassist available for goth/industrial/metal band. I like heavy, odd feeling music, and I want to get out and play ASAP.Why is it when I see goth/industrial/metal I think of something like this?
Only a lot skinnier, with clown make-up. And no gun. But with a long trenchcoat that might hide a gun.
*(&(%&$*&$ BLOGGER! I had some good stuff posted and *poof*. Off it went. Dammit. Let's see if I can recapture the magic.
BASSIST AVAILABLE immediately. Playing for 6 years. Influences include Kittie, Metallica, Saving Face, Blink 182 and many more. I play with a pick.Sound samples from my old band available at request. I am drug and alcohol free,rely on the bus.What's wrong with this ad? I see an oxymoron! The words "immediately" and "rely on the bus" seem to not work together. Or maybe it's just me. Unless this person drives The Short Bus, band will shy away. Because with The Short Bus, this bassist could potentially turn into the Band Gear Hauler. And with The Short Bus, you get an added bonus of The Hydraulic Lift. Bass rigs + Hydraulic Lift = TLA.
Hello. i am a bass player. my name is john. i am eighteen years old.i am in desperate need of a new project. i have an email address. it firstname.lastname@example.org. i dont check it much. i have a big back.Why even place an ad? Trying to be funny? If I was lookin' I wouldn't be callin'.
Want to be micro-managed? Then here's your man:
Bass player/vox looking to front project called "The Screaming Starts". Looking to put together a 3-4 pcs. Influences: Husker Du, Fugazi, Circle Jerks, etc. I`m a solid, innovative basses. Looking for the same. I need a guitarist, & drummer.Uh, last time I checked a project needed more than one member. What you have here is the guy who No One Wants To Play With. What if I call and don't like the name of the band? Am I fired?
Looks like we're out of bassist ads, so onto making fun of other ads.
METAL.TWO SINGERS AND BASS SEEKING GUITAR AND DRUMS.BASSIST PLAYS INTHE CONTEXT OF MUDVAYNE.LD50.VOCALS FROM ALICE IN CAINS TO LAMB OF GOD.LOOKING FOR GUITAR LIKE DIMEBAG.DRUMS LIKELAMBOF GOD.GET ITIn the immortal words of Maddox:
I don't know if I'd answer this ad. I'd read it, then run from the room screaming, only to find myself huddled in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, sucking on my thumb. They're scary.
Now these two aren't bassist ads either, but are great, so here they are:
SINGER SEEKING BAND!! Hello my name is Amber, and I am a singerlooking for a band to play in. I sound like a mixture of Ann Wilson from Heart, Leadsinger of Foreigner, and Patty Smythe. I am 25 years old, and can play guitar andkeybaords but am mainly interested in singing. If you want to go straight to the topthen please email me so we can get started. ( I have pictures of myself also toemail to you)and
Hello! My name is Amber, I Wanted to elaborate from my first ad. I am a SINGER looking for a band, looking for a break, or something serious. I dont want anyone to respond unless they are hoping for a break or a chance to make it! Im 25,and can play keyboards and guitar but want to front a serious band. My style is like Heart, Do Doubt, or even Foreigner, my voice is like Patty Smythe but younger. I can hit the high notes and even higher.http://www.geocities.com/xxxxxxxxxx/aboutme.html HERE IS MY SITE!! With my voice and pictures!! I want to go to the top and nothing less. Would like a female backup singer for harmonies... ROCK ON!!!I'd hate to be Amber.
After Will & Grace, Amber sits at her PC, eagerly checking her email for responses to her ad.
Amber: Cool. I have email. *clicks open*
To: AmberAmber: I wonder if he really has connections?
hi. i saw you're ad and i think your'e hot. do you have a webcam? mabe you can show me mor pix an di'll see if i want to be on top.. go to the top with you. i play drums and have conections.
Maybe it's the cynic in me, but something tells me Amber's a bit new to the game. I actually went to her site. She's cute and I think she'd be better off pursuing bubblegum pop instead of rock. Then again, who am I? Just a bassist being bitchy. Hopefully all these people find their musical Nirvana, and then some. And hopefully mine isn't shot to hell for being a brat.