Thursday, September 11, 2008

My feelings, ramble on

Of course I'm sad. I'm still in shock, I think. Disbelief even.

I didn't think I would leave the hospital without my dad. I drove our Pilot, thinking he'd need a comfier ride home than in a small car.

I mowed the lawn yesterday when I could've brought Hay and Rye over to see Tai Yeh. It makes me sad that Riley didn't get to see him one last time. Haley went over on Tuesday and gave him a hug.

I'm mad that Dad didn't value his life enough to get these symptoms checked out in AUGUST WHEN HE FIRST EXHIBITED THEM!

I kept looking at him in the ER, lifeless, but my eyes played tricks on me. His chest seemed to rise and fall, even though I knew he was dead.

I watched my dear mom and brother cry. I listened to my mom scream about who would take care of her. And all I could do is watch and listen. I asked them what was wrong with me. They told me different people mourn differently.

I got choked up when I thought about telling Hay and Rye about their grandfather. I cried this morning, finally, when I told them about him. Then, just as suddenly as it started, I stopped crying.

I got choked up today when Mom was at home with Yumei and I and she was crying, head down on the dinner table where her and Dad shared thousands of meals. I rubbed her back, trying my best to soothe her and not lose it myself.

I talked with many friends today, sharing my experience, wondering if/when I would cry and let it out.

Why can't I cry? It seems the only time I get choked up is when the kids are involved. I think I may break down tomorrow when I see Dung and his family from Ireland, more because they simply couldn't be here and I'll be sharing my bro's pain.

So what now? I want to cry. I want to grieve. I want to sob but it isn't coming.

It's maddening! I miss my dad and the way I feel, it's like nothing has happened.

I commiserated with some friends who have also lost parents. One a mom, one a dad.

I thought about Mom's future without Dad and with us and it's bittersweet. Her and Dad are a 24/7 couple. What he does, she does, and vice versa. It was rare to see them apart. Now, seeing Mom at home, she's by herself. I'm expecting Dad to be watching TV or something... and he's not.

Looking at old photos, Knight is the SPITTING IMAGE of Dad. It's eerie. There's a picture of Dad with a short hair cut like Knight's. You'd think they were the same person.

Riley said that he'd see Tai Yeh in his heart, in his mind, and in the sky, as a "shooting kiss." He got that from a book he read.

Haley seems to get it a little. She really wants to see her Tai Yeh and we'll probably take her after Saturday, when we all get to see him at the funeral home.

Dad was a big pain in my ass sometimes. Growing up, I just didn't get him. He'd say things that would make me cringe. I'd be embarrassed of him around my friends.

As I got older, I realized the problem wasn't with Dad. The problem was with me. Instead of accepting who he was, I rejected him because he wasn't who I wanted him to be. Don't get me wrong; it's not like I hated him. Far from it. He was a pretty hand's off Dad. He told us what he expected and we did our best to do right by him, and, overall, I think we did pretty well.

I feel guilty for not being more emotional about it. It's really weird. Since having kids, I've become more emotional, especially with sappy movies/shows and the like. I'll get choked up at a movie and when my dad dies, nothing? What's wrong with me????

I think I'm going to go to bed now. I'm tired. I miss my dad. I hope he is at peace.